Bowled over by praise for my training videos, I agreed to give a dig out to a colleague and now have to script some more of these things. What an idiot.

Before I forget, there's a new look look. Cast your eye over it.

We are still in the throws of the tidying up. And the making of plans for the new kitchen (and what to do with the old one). Floor coverings are discussed, the optimal distance for the sacred sink -- cooker -- fridge triangle. Should we have a solid fuel stove in the kitchen? Does it have to be over there by the chimney? All these things to consider. It's too much.

I got a bonus. Yay! And a (small) back dated raise. Yay! So I have been looking at Dell and Amazon all week. Somebody stop me. I haven't got my payslip yet (tomorrow) so I think that until I know what my net gain is I should refrain from ordering anything. My wish list is huge now though.

I wonder do I have ADD? I don't hyper focus though, I just wander around. I had to stop myself from popping off to do another little job on the photo site there. I must stay here and finish this. Of course now I can't think of anything to say. I could go on about mice again, but that topic must be wearing thin.

I am thirty bloody eight (or one million years old according to some people's calendar) and I should well into my midlife crisis by now. Of course I've been having one of those since I was twenty, but that's a long time ago *looks wistful*. Oh shut up. We all grow old and fall inexorably towards our dotage (barring traffic accidents and such) stop worrying about it and get on.

But on with what? I have no idea what to do next.

Oh there are things that happen (not least a small child who I felt move in her mother's belly for the first time last night -- an incident made me almost burst with joy) and life goes on, but I do not feel I have my hands on the steering wheel. I fret because I wish to take control, and be the dynamic force for change that we all can be, but I just, can't.

I need to sort this out because not only do I not want to continue drifting along, I do not want my children growing up in this listless goalless environment. They need to know what they want and to strive for it. They need to know that their lives are not on rails and can be influenced and changed and made different.

Not always, but sometimes. I want to tell my daughter this and I need to speak with authority and experience and I need to choose my moment carefully. Too soon and she will not see the significance. Too late and she will not care to hear what I say.

But sometimes the routines you find yourself in are OK. Paddy goes to bed around eight. Anna goes around nine. At half past nine I go up to her, tuck her in and kiss her goodnight. I then check on Paddy and between her need for me last thing at night and him in all his sleeping innocence I wonder what could I possibly want to be different.